Emmett Cullen, Ghost Hunter
by shalu
Summary: Emmett drags his brothers to the Swan Asylum to hunt for ghosts. Comedy, mayhem, and comedic mayhem ensue. AU Originally posted in the 30 Days of Emmett series. A little cracktacular.


**Originally posted for 30 Days of Emmett. **

**A/N:** This was inspired (more than a year ago, actually) by that Travel Channel show, Ghost Hunters or whatever it was. Twowackykids knows. SO, thanks to that, this comedy might get a bit cracky, with the best intentions. (The usual props to _Growing Up Cullen_, btw.) Plus, if you've seen that show, you'll totally know where I'm coming from.

* * *

"Dude. You're going with me, bro."

Jasper keeps shaking his head, apparently trying to piss me off. "I am not going into some abandoned lunatic asylum and look for ghosts, Emmett."

"DUUUUDE. You can chill out all the hyper-evil-pissed-off spirits and shit." He levels a glare at me. "What? It would totally work!"

"Take Edward. He can get all emo and moan along with all the 'ghosts.'"

I try to stem the monster snort that echoes through the hallways. No luck; shakes the mirrors. Might have broken one.

"Fuck that, dude. I'll need you there to help me when we have to sacrifice him. You know, best results when you use a virgin."

Edward comes flying down the stairs. "Emmett, that's completely uncalled for! Why do you have to be such an asshole? I'm _saving myself_, okay? Is that so hard to believe?"

I bite the shit out my tongue trying not to cough my lungs out laughing. In fact, I kind of bite it off. _Pause for reattachment_. "NO ONE SAVES THEMSELVES ANYMORE, MISS VAGINA MONOLOGUES!"

His emo-face just gets emo-er, if that is even possible. He crosses his arms and huffs, sitting down hard on the couch. Doesn't even crack the frame; he has no idea how to ruin furniture. _Ooh, speaking of which—where _is _Rose?_

"Jumpin' Fucking Jehosaphat, Eddie, every girl in the school would fuck you into oblivion given the chance. Pick one. Actually, wait—don't; we need you for the sacrifice."

"Not _we_, Em. I'm NOT GOING," Jasper insists, but he's protesting too much. What is that famous quote? _Thee doest protest a lot more than..._wait, that's not it. _Ah, fuck it_. "Alice wanted me to go shopping with her."

"Christ, Jasmine. Maybe _you_ can de-virginize Edward."

That fucker hates when I call him a girl, or when I ask him what it's like to be a lesbian. Of course, it is all too easy for him to get back at me. Dude threw gusts of lust at me and next thing I know I have a hard-on the size of Texas and I'm all up on Edward licking his ear. Jasper cracks and starts laughing so hard, I can't even get mad, and neither can Edward. He freaked when I grabbed him, and was most definitely jealous of the size of my gear, but Edward and I are soon giggling like seven-year-old schoolgirls thanks to Jasper's amusement.

I roll my eyes and push Edward off the couch. He makes a dent in the floorboards and groans, running up to his room like a bitch. He flies back down the stairs—_come on, you all know Edward's a fast fucker. HA! A fast fucker! HAHAHAHA...*AHEM* I digress_. Point is, Mary-Poppinsward had gone up to my room, grabbed my favorite baseball bat and now stands behind me so he can splinter it around my head. _Good thing I got a hard head. HA! A HARD HEAD! YES! I got TWO of 'em! HAHAHAHA—  
_  
"STOP IT!" Edward screeches, clawing at his eyes. "God, Emmett! Shut the fuck up! Is everything in that ... _brain_ (if-you-can-call-it-that)," he pauses, smirking at his lame-ass joke. Jasper snickers. Edward points to his temple and continues, "Is everything up there filthy?"

I stop to think about it for a moment._ Nope, can't really deny it_. I shrug. "Anyway, ladies," I continue on about my plan, "I say we head over to Swan Asylum around midnight. Not before. I mean, twelve is the witching hour or whatever."

Edward starts laughing. "Dude—"

"BRO." I counter.

"No, Dude—"

"BRO," I say again, extending the "O" this time. _Heh_.

"I didn't even finis—"

"THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" _Yesss!_

He rolls his eyes. "You really are a child, Emmett."

"Whatever, Virgin Mary. Listen, MIDNIGHT. We're going. Swan Asylum. BOTH OF YOU." I eye them both, my eyeballs damn near popping out of my skull. I point a finger at each of them and jab Edward in the chest. "Damn you're puny, man. Sorry you couldn't have matured a bit more before you turned ... you could really use some chest muscles. And biceps. And triceps. Quads. Del—"

Jasper and I blink in the gust of wind trailing after Edward as he flees up the stairs. _PUSSY!_

"FUCK. OFF. EMMETT!"

"I'm not gay or anything, but your ass is decent, at least. Tiny, but—"

I hear my bedroom door get crushed to woodchips. _You're explaining that to Rose, Mr. Pantysniffer._ Aaaand there goes the dresser. _If Rose's good lacy sets are ruined, I'ma make you shop for replacements!_

I turn to look at Jasper, who simply raises his eyebrows at me. "Fifty bucks he's gonna clean his room again."

**O o O o O o O o O o O o O o O**

Tinkering through the garage, I find a few flashlights. I had gone to the Army Surplus store in Port Angeles that morning to get some infrared goggles and night-vision shit, so that stuff will be badass. Not that we really need them, but I figure we should carry some sort of equipment. Plus, the night vision makes everything look glowing green which is pretty damn cool. After watching _Ghostbusters_ on TV last week, I went online and ordered a bunch of tools all the nerds cream themselves over, including some EMF meters. People always mention those things, so I had to have them. I had no idea how to use the stuff, but I thought we'd figure it out. When the gadget goes batshit, there's a ghost, right? SCORE.

I go into a very "Jasper" mode for the mission and organize all the gear into separate cases and packs, so that each of us will carry an even load. Okay, maybe not Edward, 'cause I don't need his pansy-ass whining.

"GODDAMMIT, EMMETT! I can carry anything you—"

"Save it, Cinderella! You couldn't carry my dick."

I wait a moment until I hear a marble counter crack in half. _Esme is going to kick your immortal ass when she and Carlisle get back from that fundraiser in ... where the fuck are they? Whatever._

"I was kidding, Shirley Temple!" I shout through the open door connecting the garage to the house, hoping he might calm the fuck down a bit. _I mean, really—if you'd just get laid, boy, I'm sure you'd relax, like, a billion-fold_.

I turn to the open door of the garage where Edward is now standing. "Emmett, if you want my help with this damn _ghost hunt_—" he overemphasizes those two words to make sure I'm aware that he thinks it's ridiculous, "—then, please, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, take the day off of teasing me? Especially the silent comments?"

I consider it for a moment, coming to the conclusion that it would be better for the time being if Wardo is cooperative.

"Thank you," he nods, seeming relieved. "So what have you got? Equipment-wise?"

I open my mouth to make a signature Emmett Dick Joke™, but he cuts me off. "No, thanks. You know I'm asking about the ghost hunting stuff, not your junk. I've seen enough of that in Rosalie's mind to be able to sketch it in my sleep. If I slept."

_Shit, boy, you are KILLING me. How can I NOT make a joke about that?_

"Get it out of your system," he sighs, resigned and already annoyed.

"Pfft! You just took the fun out of it." I turn back to the piles of stuff and start pointing out all the different tools and meters. "Well, I got the EMF meters—one for each of us, a EVP recorder, an 'ambient air probe'—that one's for you," I add before he punches me in the side. I flinch and the fucker smirks. _Dick_.

I go back to the gear, because looking at it all and listing it off is really getting me excited. _Dang, I hope Rose gets back before we leave. I think I need a little garage sex before I go._

Luckily, Edward ignores this thought—which, I guess he does most of the time since I _do_ think about having sex with my wife _a lot_. That is, when I'm _not_ actually having sex with her. So, I get back to naming shit off.

"Right, so I also got an infrared thermometer _with a laser_," I emphasize, imitating Dr. Evil because it makes me laugh, and _Austin Powers_ rocks. Edward actually snorts in amusement, so I give him an approving nod and continue. Again. "Aaand some rope, Winchester cases, shoulder bags, night-vision goggles, flashlights, and a bunch of motion sensors. OH, and I bought us each a video camera."

"Don't we already have some?"

"Those are private." I immediately picture the past few rounds of taping with Rose, and Edward simply walks out of the garage, pinching the bridge of his nose. _LIKE WE CAN EVEN GET HEADACHES!_

"DON'T YOU WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE _DIVINING RODS_ I GOT FOR YOU? THEY'LL FIND YOU PUSSY. I MEAN, YOUR SOULMATE. EDWARRRD!" I stop shouting and laugh my ass off. Not literally, although as a vampire, I bet I could do it. _Experiment for another time. May need Jasper's help with that._

It's kind of amazing that Edward was right, though: I couldn't not tease the poor kid for ten minutes. _Wow, I have no willpower whatsoever. _I'm sure Rose can attest to this.

Shifting my focus back to the Jeep, I pack all the stuff in the back and tuck it under a black tarp. I don't know why I felt a tarp was necessary, but it seems like you should always have a tarp for an expedition of this nature. _HAHAHAHA ... dammit, I probably sound all fucking PROFESSIONAL or some shit._

Checking my watch, I note that it's only four-thirty in the afternoon, so I've got hours to wait before I can drag my brothers' asses down to the _supposedly_ scariest building on the west coast. _This is going to be AWESOME._

In the meantime, I think my wife is home.

**O o O o O o O o O o O**

Esme will be _none too pleased_ to find my and Rose's bedroom in complete shambles when she gets back from ... _shit, can I really not remember where they went? How is that possible? Vampires have perfect memories._ I shrug. I'm not concerned, as she and Big Daddy C are surely just fine. In any case, I tell Rose that we can shack up in Edward's room while he fixes ours.

"Bull fucking shit, Emmett," Edward hisses as I trot down the stairs behind my woman, both of us _fully satisfied_. "You can't just use my room."

"Au contraire, mon frére!" I say, dazzling him with my shitty French. "Like that? It actually means BROTHER. See how funny I am? It kills me that you died without a sense of humor. Tragic."

Rose sidles up to me as Edward scowls at us. "What's the matter, Eddie-poo? Afraid of the smell of sex? Or just sin, in general?"

"Just _no_, okay? NO. I like my stuff. I'd prefer it all wasn't assaulted by your naked asses." He turns and heads to the couch to plop down next to Jasper, crossing his arms. _No, I'm serious. He really crossed his arms_.

"Fine, whatever. Listen, it's eleven-forty; we should roll." I grab my keys off the table in the foyer. "All the shit's in the Jeep and—"

"Jasper is not going, Emmett," Alice appears suddenly. _Little One was always sneaky._ I take in her expression and she seems panicked.

"What the fuck, Pint-Size? What could possibly happen to us? There are no Quileutes around here anymore, it's ABANDONED, so there's no peeps for Jas to nom on ... and no snatch for Edward to get lucky with. OH, and we're practically indestructible vampires. We'll be safe as kittens."

President of the Lullaby League doesn't buy it, apparently, because she's not budging.

"I'm sorry, but I just ... something _bad_ is going to happen to all of you if he goes, and I ... I can't see it clearly, but I'm begging you, let him stay home."

_Great_. Now, I'm pissed. I throw my keys down and they embed into the marble floor. "FUCK!"

After digging them out, I stomp out to the garage, rip my awesome black tarp off the Jeep, and rake my eyes over the badass pile of gear I've got all prepped for midnight in the looney bin. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!"

I can't help myself and I start throwing things. Rose catches a tool chest without even blinking. _Fuck that's hot._

"Really, Em? Throwing a tantrum like a two-year-old? You can still go, just without Jasper."

I fight the urge to whine, but then I decide I don't give a shit. "Smurfette is ruining my fun! I spent, like, _three days_ working on this shit, and now ... NOW—"

"I'M GOING, ALICE!" Jasper busts through the door into the garage, knocking it off its hinges.

"Go, BRO!" I shout in solidarity, and fistpump, accidentally hitting the ceiling of the garage. _Fuck. More repairs_.

Tiny comes barreling out after him. "Jasper! Did you _not_ hear what I said? BAD. BADNESS. Do you think I make this shit up?"

She's totally pissed off, and I know if he doesn't back down, he'll be eating crow and nothing else for a few months. Jasper's shoulders cave. _Fuck_.

"Ali," he says, using that sweet-talk, "baby I love you" voice. _Oh, shit, dude. WORK THAT MOJO._ "I will be _fine_. If I don't go, there will be no buffer between Edward and Baby Huey."

_That was uncalled for._

"I can see what happens if you don't go," she insists. "They'll be fine! Well, Edward will, but it's nowhere near as bad as if you go."

_Wait, what?_

"Angel," he tells her, shmoozing the shit out of it, "you said yourself you couldn't _really_ see. Maybe all that happens is we actually do manage to scare the shit out of ourselves! Quit worrying, Sweetpea. 'Kay?"

He pulls her into his arms and kisses the top of her head. I can practically feel her frown from here, but I think he's avoided sleeping on the couch ... at our house in Rochester. At least for the moment.

"SHIT, YEAH!" I boom. "GHOST_BALL_BUSTERS are BACK IN BUSINESS!"

**O o O o O o O o O o O o O o O**

"So, Jas, what made you change your mind?" I ask as we speed along Route 666 (_just kidding; it's Route 13!_). "It's not like you to go against your mistress's wishes like that."

He glares at me, and I know he's considering different ways to torture me.

"I'm kidding, bro!" I declare. "But don't think I don't know who gets tied up when the ropes come out."

"You tried it?" He challenges.

"Are you kidding?" I make that "don't be a fucking idiot" face. "Of COURSE I have. That shit is hot. I ain't knockin' it. We both dig being at the other's merc—"

"For the love of anything you find sacred, Emmett, must we?" Edward pipes up from the back, his voice indicating his extreme discomfort.

"Whassamotta, Edwardo?" I toss out a really bad Italian accent, just for fun. "Gettin' a woody? Or, a stiff sparkly one? HAHAHAHA ... jeez, I crack myself up."

"We noticed," Jasper and Edward reply in unison.

"Okay, that was some _Shining_ shit right there." I can't help it, but I shiver. I saw that in the theater, and ... creepy children. _Shudder_. "Now answer my question, Jas."

"Em, you know I was always gonna go, I was just giving you a hard time."

"Dude, you're a dick, bro." _Hard time ... Dick ..._

_It's true. I am perpetually twelve._

At that moment, we pull up to a spot just down the road from the building. I pass out the backpacks, and everyone grabs a case.

"All right, ball-sacs, time to nut up or shut up!"

Jasper groans. "Em, this ain't _Zombieland_."

"Pffft, whatever, man. Harrelson was awesome in that flick. I'm summoning the _awesome_." Really pisses me off that I need to explain this shit to my brothers.

"Whatever, indeed," I hear Edward mumble.

I point a finger at him. "Seriously, Jane Austen, I'm about to ball-gag you. The only thing stopping me is I'm afraid you'd like it."

Jasper huffs. "For fuck's sake, can we just do this? Or are you ... _scared_, Em?"

"You assholes are sucking all the fun out of this for me," I mutter, taking off at full-vampire speed, bringing me to the front door in 2.3 seconds. _Fuck yeah._

Turning around, I see Jasper and Edward walking up at human speed. I heave an unnecessary sigh and put my shit down on the ground. I grab each one by the front of their shirts and prepare to hurl some threats. Visions of torn limbs and hiding them miles apart are dancing through my head like a child's dream at Christmas, when I remember that these are my brothers. And even though I might (_okay, probably_) go out of my way to annoy or make fun of them, I'd rather have them enjoy this with me.

Smoothing out their shirts, I lay my hands flat on their chests. "Okay, Bro? Bro?" I ask them individually. Their eyes simultaneously go wide, chasing after their raising brows. "Are you with me on this, or what? This is gonna be fun! 'Kay? Just fun. Please?"

Slowly (_like, TOO slow_), they turn their heads to look at each other and mirror crooked smiles. _Okay, for real? I'm about to call an exorcist. Or Jack Nicholson. They're creeping me out. They don't even look alike and the twinnage going on here is weird.  
_  
Jasper nods, looking at me again. "Sure thing, dude. I'm in. I'm here, aren't I? Let's do this. "

Terse nod from me, I look to Edward.

"If you can keep the Princess comments to a minimum, I'll enjoy this a hell of a lot more," he says by way of agreement.

I chew on my lip for a minute. _Shit, cracked a tooth. Pause for (another) reattachment._ "All right, Sweet Cheeks, you got it. Now let's bust some ghost balls."

I can hear their eyes rolling in their sockets, but I do my best to ignore it. With a quick snap to the thickest set of chains and locks I've seen in decades, the doors creak open, swinging inward.

I take a moment to thoroughly scan the immediate area (_do you not love this? I sound like a fuckin' pro, right?_), my eyes instantly adjusting to the darkness within. Dust, debris ... everything you'd expect to see in an old, abandoned, run down place like this.

"Fuck, dude," I say to no one in particular, "I hope we find one of those 'zapper' machines — I'm totally gonna try and electrocute myself."

"First off, it's an ECT, or Electroconvulsive Therapy machine, not a '_zapper_!'" _Guess who is lecturing me. I'm not looking at him, but a hundred bucks says he's ticking his debate points off on his fingers._ "Secondly, what if you set yourself on fire, jackass?"

Whoa. That actually had not occurred to me. "Holy shit, bro! If I did that, I might end up haunting this place!"

"You are far too excited about that prospect, Em," Jasper interjects. "I'm a little worried about you."

"DUDE, if I catch on fire—which I consider highly unlikely, I trust you to put me out before I explode into a bajillion vampire pieces." I look at him and he just shrugs, eyeballing me like I'm schizo as he walks inside.

"Fine, Nancy Drew, I won't try to electrocute myself. I _still _say it would be fine, maybe tingle a bit—oh, hold on," I pause, Rose-gasmic images massaging my mental porn muscle. A device like that could be very interesting for use in the bedroom (or probably the garage or basement where Carlisle makes us keep all the gadgety shit we acquire).

I'm broken from my XXX-rated musings by (_pretend to be shocked_) Edward's groan. "For serious, bro, you have to loosen up a —" I turn toward him, but he's not there. "How the fuck did he sneak out on us, Jas? Did he get scared already?"

Turning the other way, I find Jasper is gone, too.

"Are you assholes fucking kidding me?" I shout, surely rattling some tiles or some shit. "You dudes suck. FINE. I'll hunt by myself."

Standing in the center of the lobby, I look down and see the hospital name beneath my feet, in a mostly broken mosaic. _Swan Asylum_. I'd read it's been abandoned almost fifty years, and the family still owns the property. They tried to sell it in the early seventies, but every prospective buyer suffered a brain hemorrhage and died, within a week after visiting. 

_This shit's like _Ringu_._ (_That's right; I saw the original Japanese horror flick, bitches! Like, eleventy times. Insanely better than _The Ring_. GET IT? INSANELY? hahahaha..._)

I mean, this place has _House on Haunted Hill_ type history. The founder, James Swan, went all postal after some dumbass doc killed his schizo wife trying out a "new lobotomy procedure." _Fucking idiot._ Anyway, several people died here, _violently_. Gotta be some bad juju in here.

Thinking about the story of the place kind of gave me the creeps, but regardless, I am gonna find a damn ghost even if I _do_ have to set myself on fire. Stepping off the mosaic, I heard another Emoward groan. I spun my head to glare in that general direction, but even my awesome vampire sight didn't pick up anything but a shitload of dust particles and spiderwebs.

"BRO," I yelled down the corridor. "GROAN AGAIN. I THINK I SAW YOUR VAGINA WITH THAT ONE."

I snicker to myself, but I hear no reply but the ricochet of my own echo. I can't help it, but I scowl, realizing those fuckers have actually abandoned me.

"Fuck this," I mutter. "I'm busting out the gear."

I vampire-rush around the building, placing video recorders, figuring I bought the shit, why not see if it picks something up? _Would have liked some help, but my brothers are WIMPS. I should have brought Alice and Rose. Tiny's like a fucking vampire ninja. And Rose is so bad ass, the ghosts would piss their pants ... if they wore pants. Whatever.._

Grumbling to myself, I dig into my pack and grab the infrared glasses and the EMF meter to start really searching the place (_COUGH_-forelectroshock-_COUGH_). With my already excellent vamp sight, the infrared just compounds and it's like fuckin' X-ray shit. Every minute detail is suddenly like neon, glaringly obvious.

I flick the on switch for the EMF and it immediately starts clicking and buzzing._ Yes! Bring on the ghosts!_ I follow down the central corridor directly in front of me, waving the tiny black box from left to right, if only just to hear the static and noises pitch and squeal.

I've made it to the end of the hall, but I haven't seen or heard anything yet. I'm gonna have to provoke.

"Uh, hey PSYCHOS," I begin, figuring insults usually get a reaction. _I mean, hell, look at Prissypantsward. All I have to say is 'Princess' and the guy mopes for a week._ "Why don't you show yourselves? Pipe up and be a man. Or woman. Whatever. You're probably all eunuchs, right? De-nutted and sterilized or some shit? Come on, pussies. HIT ME."

I hear the scraping of metal on rusty metal as I turn toward the staircase at the end of the hall. Spinning back to face the direction I'd come from, I see a mangled gurney sliding slowly down the corridor. Ridonkuslow, in fact.

_That is fucked up. And AWESOME._

"Seriously, bro? That couldn't hurt me if I was human." I position myself to face off the hunk of junk, willing it to move faster.

As if on cue, the thing picks up speed and hurtles directly into me, nearly taking my head off. After a moment of shock, I peel the steel bars from around my frame and shake the rest of it off like water off a duck's ass. I notice, however, that my infrared goggles are busted. I pick up my EMF meter, which dropped during impact, and smack it, seeing if it still works.

_Bzzzzzttztttt._

SCORE. I am definitely gonna have to buy more infrareds, though. Those fuckers are _boss_.

"YES! That's what I'm talkin' bout!" I shout, standing up and fistpumping the air as I move toward the now-vacant hallway. "More of that! SHIT, I almost forgot my EVP recorder. I have to know if you spectral dicknobs are swearing at me or whatever ... since you can't _man up_ and say it OUT LOUD. I mean hell—"

Before I can finish (and realize that I am now talking to myself), something sharp stabs me in the kidney. It occurs to me that while it can't kill me, it actually fucking hurts. It also feels like it's slicing right through me. _What the hell?_

I look down to see if I'm skewered all vamp-kabob style, but I don't see anything but my junk crammed into my cargo pants (_Didn't I tell you I was packin'?)_. Fine, sick of my jokes already, are you? _But honestly, I'm not joking. Ask Rose. If vamps could get sore, she'd be hurtin'. Also, he'll deny it, but I caught Edward ogling my gear a few years ago. I think he was crazy jealous._

I wait, wondering if the thought will bring The Little(st) Princess out of hiding. Strangely enough, my ears pick up something, but it's not vampire. I try to analyze it. It sounds vaguely human ... ish, but something about the lack of echo tells me it's not really there. I look from side to side, hoping for a clue. Mentally checking through a list of the shit in my backpack and case, I remember the divining rods. _Goddamn, I can't NOT laugh when I think of those things. I'll give you a divining rod .._. _Yeah, you knew that was coming._

Wait, there it is again. Breathing ... low, but labored. At the shell of my ear.

A shiver thunders through me and I spin around, ignoring the pain through my gut, and it twists, sending red-hot flares of torment through my limbs and fingertips. I nearly drop to my knees, but I hang tough. (_Shut up. Don't even sing it. I fucking hate that song, and I promise you I'll pick up your crappy singing from here. I think Alice played it for two years straight. Jasper will DEFINITELY deny it, but fucker liked it._ _I hated it. Really. I'm not kidding. Quit looking at me like that!_)

I'm really confused when I don't see anything. I thought for sure if there were ghosts or poltergeists, there'd be _some_ visual indicator.

"All right, dude. Where are you? Too pussy to fight a man, er, um ... vampire?" I'm not thrilled at the way my voice wavers a little bit, but I'll admit, I might not be prepared for what I'm up against.

Without warning, however, I am overcome with the giggles (_like a drunken five-year-old)_ and start laughing my ass off. I'm so jarred by the shift, I don't notice two fucking dipshits stroll up behind me, like those creepy _Shining_ twins, and shove me over.

"You are too fucking easy," Jasper claims through his little-girl giggles. Obviously, it was _him_ screwing with me. "A little bit of pain and misplaced groans ... you were all up in the Haunted House shit. I thought you might cry — if you had tears, of course."

"Is this why Alice was all Ragin' Cajun up in yer shit about not coming with me?" I already knew the answer.

"Bro, you are such a dick," I hiss, brushing off my pants and standing. I aim a punch at his chest, but he darts out of the way. I don't even bother with Edward cuz the snappy little shit will see it coming as soon as I think it.

"Damn, right, Emma," he affirms, trying to be funny.

"Dude, get your own jokes, okay? I'm sure you could be almost funny if you did a lot more research." That got me a proper scowl. "That's it, Bro. Be you. Don't be afraid to just _be you._"

"Asshole."

"There we go, I feel so much better now." I pick up the mangled infrared glasses and hold them up for them to see. "A'right, dudes, whose idea was it to throw the gurney at me? You owe me a new pair of these."

Both of their faces scrunch in confusion, staring at the glasses like they're alien — or in Edward's case, a vagina.

"I have seen a va—"

"SHHH! Don't say it out loud!" I whisper-yell. "The Cherry Fairy will haunt you and bar you from popping yours for ANOTHER CENTURY!"

Hairy eyeball. Jasper unsuccessfully tries to conceal a snort. Chokes on his venom. _Sweet._

"Okay, whatever. Let's quit fuckin' around. I know you douchebags hurled the gurney. Just tell me which one gets his arm ripped off and —"

A hollow moan interrupts my rant and echoes all around us.

"You fuckers set this up, too? CrackerJack Christ on a cracker! How long have you been planning this mutinous crap?" I glare at them, sure they're intent on not only busting my balls because _I_ wanted to do this whole ghost hunt thing, but ruining the entire night, to boot.

"Man, that wasn't us," Jasper whispers, looking around. He whips out (_come on, you can snicker for me, can't you?)_ the heat-signature camera I thought I'd hidden in my own bag. I growl at him, but he just flicks me in the ear. _FLICKS ME IN THE EAR._ I'm about to put him in some serious hurt, but before I can move, Edward jumps.

"What is it, Mary?"

"I felt something touch my face," he says quietly. "A hand or ... yeah, just a light brushing of fingertips."

"You're so in love with this ghost already, you didn't even protest to the nickname," I tell him, punctuating it with a snort. "I'ma get ordained to be a priest of the Highest Fuckternal Order so you and Casper can get married right away. You've been waiting a _long time_ for your wedding night."

Instead of arguing, he flips me off and follows ... his _heart_ or some shit. _Hahahahaa ... HAHAHhahaha ... I'll be okay, don't worry. HAHahhahahaha..._

"I'm not kidding, bro," I say, coming off my mental laugh riot (possibly minutes later, I can't say for sure). I nudge Jasper's shoulder. "Are you guys still fucking with me? What the—"

"Emmett," Jasper hisses, really quietly, begging me with his eyes to—and I quote—"Shut. The. Fuck. Up." Gauging his expression and the super-annoyed vibe he's throwing off, I decide he's totally serious. "Come on."

He sets off after Edward, and I follow, grumbling lowly. "Hunt ... shit ... MY fucking idea ... my show ... I'm ... leader ... didn't even wanna ... shitheads ..."

Jasper double-birdie salutes me over his shoulders as I follow him, which only makes me grumble louder. I'm altogether silenced, though, when we find Edward staring down a dank, narrow set of stairs.

"What?" Jasper asks him, all suddenly fucking intrigued and into the whole ghosthunting thing.

"Are we in the goddamn Blair Witch movie or what? _Can you speak, Mikey_?" I pitch my voice all high, trying to piss him off, because despite their sudden interest, I'm still irritated that they couldn't just take it seriously in the first place.

No, Edna cannot speak, or won't. Still ignoring us, he starts forward again, moving a helluva lot faster. Even for a vampire, Edward is fast and quickly loses us before we reach the bottom of the stairs.

Jasper aims the camera at the blackness before us. There is next to no light down here.

"Prissypants ain't gonna show up, Bro. We have no heat signature."

"Did you just say 'heat signature'?"

"I'm a fucking professional."

He ignores me with an audible roll of his eyes. "You hear that?"

I strain the silence with my ears, reaching for some sound other than our conversation. He starts moving toward it, and I follow his shadowy outline. _Hahaha ... Jasper's a shady fucker._

We reach a set of doors, and I'm _really, really_ hoping we find some really gnarly shit in here, like torture devices and Edward's all caught up in them, enjoying it like the Sub we all know he is. _Come on. Think about it. Dude lives for that shit._

Jasper kicks the doors open — well, more like off its hinges.

"Way to be subtle, Kimosabe," I mutter before turning my glance to the new room. It's lit up by a few small glass block windows along the side, but there's also a creepy flickering lamp in the corner. This helps me to distract from the horror before me.

"OHMYFUCK! STOP! GAHHHHH! MY EYES! I'M BLINDED!" I stumble into the door frame, smashing a huge chunk of cinderblock out of the corresponding wall. I claw at my eyes, hoping I can do some damage, but that's not going to erase my memories. "OH GOD, where is the bleach! IT'S HORRIBLE! AHHHHAHRGHGHRGHHH! _Urghhh!_ Those elk I ate for lunch must have been vampire poison or something — I think I'm gonna puke. I feel faint ..."

I hold my gut, which is churning. "Jasper, save yourself! There's no hope for me. Tell Rose I love her."

Falling to my side on the ground, I hear my brothers move to stand around me. I whisper dramatically, "Hold me, Jas ... just until the darkness takes me."

He snorts. "Are you done, Miss America?"

I pop open one eye, analyzing the amused and annoyed faces of Jasper and Edward — who has a pale, sparkly (_not us; yes, I know we sparkle in sunlight, but this is ... girly ... -er_) pink gloss smeared all over his face.

"You're calling _me_ Miss America when Vanessa over here has pink lipgloss on his face?" Edward's eyes go wide and if we could get paler, his face would have blanched.

"That would be from making out — with a _girl_," he adds, like he's fourteen. I shudder, recalling the scene that led me to such dramatics.

Jumping up quickly, I turn to said girl and am slammed with a scent tastier than the couple of grizzlies I had with Rose last week. "A _human_ girl," I amend, swallowing the venom pooling in my mouth. I quickly slurp that down, so as not to offend (_HAHAHAHAHAHA ... I know, right?)_. "When did I miss this? What the FUCK is going on?"

The girl, who seemed amused at first, startles at my sudden volume, her cheeks flaming pink as she clings to Edward's shirt. I see him wince and chew on his lips.

"Em, this is _Bella_," he says, and I can tell he's trying not to breathe. That said, he seems ... _happy_. I'm not sure what to do with this information. _Does. Not. Compute_. "She's my ... girlfriend."

I raise an eyebrow and look at Jasper.

"She's his singer, too, but so far his control is incredible." He shrugs.

"And apparently she knows ... _everything._"

Bella nods and reaches out a hand to introduce herself like she holds court with supernatural creatures every day. "I've heard all about you, Emmett. It's nice to finally meet you."

I shake her hand and marvel at its warmth (_I don't go around touching humans all the time ... UNLIKE my virgin brother, apparently_. I bet that fucker's a total perv. Stalking teen girls and sneaking in—).

"Emmett," Edward growls a warning.

"Pfffft," I respond in my trademark mature manner. "Jas, how are _you_ handling the — ya know what? Fuck that. What the hell? Was all this a set up? Have you met her before? How the FUCK am I so out of the loop?"

"It was your turn, son."

I spin to face behind me, all vamp-fast and shit, where I see both of my "parents" barely containing their amusement. _HOW THE FUCK ARE THEY ALL GETTING SHIT BY ME?_

"You have such a penchant for teasing the others with your bevvy of practical jokes and such," Carlisle explains, no doubt enjoying showing off his ridonk vocabulary. _I know what 'penchant' means, jerkoffs. I just choose not to use it. Because it sounds douchey._ "So, Edward and Alice came up with this little ... ruse."

Esme giggles. I stare at my "mother" in amazement.

"MOM!" I yell, offended that she would help in all this. _Okay, I'm lying. I'm a little bit proud of her. I'm also a little bit proud of Edward. Dammit, I think he heard that._

"Honey, you were due. Get over it. We did it because we love you," she says, leaning into Carlisle and wrapping her arms around him.

"You fuckers are sick," I say. _WARNING: Epic pout in progress._

Alice comes bounding in, immediately jumping on my back like an capuchin monkey (_They're small; get it?_). Monkey nails me across the back of the head with her hand.

"What?"

"Give us some credit, Big Man!" she shouts in my ear. _I do not remember what I did in my human life to deserve such loving siblings. Yes, I'm being sarcastic._ "Think of how _badly_ I wanted to tell you about Bella! She's gonna be my best friend, and she even lets me pick out clothes for her and—"

She bounces so hard, I wonder if Jasper should get jealous.

"Eww, man," Edward groans with a grimace. "That's your sister."

Jasper's face curls into that look he gets when ... well, when he gets really fucking mad. Which is rare. But there _is_ a tasty human in the room (_pause for growling Edward_), and his eyes _are_ looking a little black, so maybe he's just worn thin.

"DUDE! I was not!" I shout to defend myself. "Thinking about Alice ... I just thought ... the way she was _bouncing_ ..."

Suddenly, the twisting anxiety from thinking I'ma have to fight my brother (_he is NO fun to fight with when he's pissed — NONE_) relaxes when I feel the weight of Tiny lifted off my back. Rose tosses her toward her own husband and wraps her arms around me. I feel instantly centered and calm. I can't tell _who_ did that — Jas or Rose. I choose to believe it's Rose. _Awww, right? Go ahead. I can already hear you cooing & sighing._

"Baby," she says, earnestly, "I told them not to, but they never listen to me."

I look in her eyes, imagining they used to be blue, and kiss her lips quickly. "Babe," I start off like I'm gonna say something really mushy and romantic and I-wanna-get-in-your-pants-like. "I'd follow you into the deepest, darkest depths of hell, I love you so much." She smiles wide, loving me right back as I continue.

"But you are, by far, the worst fucking liar."


End file.
